Home Alone!

Writing Location: Under The Tree


"I'm just gonna hand you this..."
"...and this."
"Great, thank you! Do you need me to sign something?"
"Nope. But may I tell you: You look mighty comfy in those sweatpants. You'd do good at starring in one of those porno movies, you see?"
"Ehm, thanks, inappropriately sexual pizza delivery guy."

"Call me Frank!"
"Ok, Frank. Anything else you wanna get off your chest?"
"Actually, yes! Are you spending Christmas with your family?"
"I'm not sure if I want to tell you that, to be honest..."
"Well, in case you stay in Ann Arbor, we will be here to provide you with pizza."
"Oh, ok great. As sad as that sounds, I really appreciate it!"


The worst about spending a lonely Christmas was not the actual loneliness but the way everybody reacted to it. Being pitied is not nice. That's why I refuse to pity people. People think that spending a lonely Christmas is sad and depressing. Well, they're wrong! Let me tell you: Spending a lonely Christmas is even more sad and depressing than people think! But I tried my best to make it as fun as possible. 

So you guys probably know Home Alone, right? Well, just like Kevin, I had my concerns about the safety level of my house. I rated it 'unsatisfactory' and improved it schemingly:

1. The Jammed Door

Always a classic. As simple as it is effective. I added the blueberry muffin on afterwards, because it was the heaviest thing in the house.... Ah, haha, welcome to punsville, population: Me!

2. The Toe Cracker & Knee Wracker

Everybody who has ever made their way through a dark house in need of a nightly release of bodily fluids or a midnight snack, will consider this their arch enemy. Taken to the toe, this trap inflicts excruciating pain on the intruder. Taken to the knee the consequences aren't much more pleasant. The intruder might dislocate their kneecap.

3. The Booby-Trap

As the average intruder is rather primitive, they are easily lured into this unobstrusive Christmas-themed booby-trap. Once the highly filed mechanism is set off, the intruder is in for a bucket of pain.

4. Pitfall-Deathtrap

If an intruder has made it this far, the Pitfall-Deathtrap will get him out of the house for good. Walking through a seemingly safe room, the intruder is distracted by this loaf of bread on the floor (because even thugs don't keep their bread on the floor). They keep on walking, focussing on the bread, and just as they look ahead, it is too late for them to evade the armpit put in place while the intruder was destracted. This trap requires a human being with low hygene standards.

Had intruders tried to invade the house, I would have been well-prepared. To be honest, though, I would have been happy if somebody had at least tried to breack in. I didn't see a human being in the real world for three days straight. Apart from back in the days, when I was driving my car through the lone landscapes of New Zealand, this was probably the longest I went without human interaction. It was not nice.


Why didn't I see people? There was noone around. I live in an area where many other students live and they were all gone. When I took a long walk through the neighborhood on Christmas Eve, there were just very few illuminated houses. I'm glad everything is back to normal now and I'm glad I made this experience. It helps me appreciate more what I have at home!

Last but not least, I want to thank you guys for sending me Christmas cards, presents and messages. I really  appreciate all of it!

Kommentar schreiben

Kommentare: 5
  • #1

    Melli (Samstag, 31 Dezember 2016 03:18)

    Du und Oasis? Hab ich was verpasst? Die dvd habe ich mir jedenfalls auch besorgt und ich habe bereits herrlich in alten Zeiten geschwelgt. Man sollte die dvd jedoch nur mit Originalton schauen. Sonst macht es nur halb so viel Spaß! ;) Gutschen Rutsch Marius!!

  • #2

    Noel G. (Sonntag, 01 Januar 2017 09:18)

    Ja klar ich und Oasis... Ne, Spaß bei Seite. Das war ein Geschenk von einem Kumpel (vermutlich, damit ich bald mit ihm über Oasis reden kann). Und ich schaue selbstverständlich alles im Originalton ;-)
    Vielen Dank! Dir auch, Melli!

  • #3

    Melli (Sonntag, 01 Januar 2017 18:50)

    Noel G.? Ja klar...haha Schade, hatte ein klein wenig gehofft du hättest was für Oasis übrig aber vielleicht hilft die dvd dabei. Tolle Geschenkidee von deinem Kumpel! ;) Dann kannste ja vielleicht auch bald mit mir über die Gallagher Genialität sprechen so du sie verstehst. Manchester Akzent ist sehr hart zu verstehen, selbst für mich und das will was heißen. :P Aber da ich nun schon seit knapp 22 Jahren Oasis Fan bin, habe ich mich natürlich daran gewöhnt. Also viel Spaß beim schauen und verstehen. :) Frohes Neues Jahr!!

  • #4

    OHLALA (Sonntag, 15 Januar 2017 17:02)

    Je ne peux pas m'imagine que tu joues jamais à un porno!
    Es en toute sécurité!

  • #5

    Francois (Sonntag, 15 Januar 2017 17:20)

    Ah oui, c'est vrai! :-)