Or should I call you MagiCus? Do you still want people to call you that ridiculous name only because you made a two-cent coin disappear on a school trip sometime? Everybody saw how you did it anyway.
Well, how are you?
You would like how I am doing. I've travelled a bunch of different countries, I made it to university (even though Mom gave up on you already), oh yeah, and I had sex. It is awesome! You're going to love it. I mean, you're practicing a lot by yourself, but people are right: It's just not quite the same!
Why am I interrupting your carefree rotation of online gaming, gaining weight and masturbation? Quite frankly, I'm not sure. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm living in the US at the moment - something you always dreamed of, remember? Of course you remember; it is on your mind right now. Going where they went in the movies, doing what they did in the movies, living a life like we saw in the movies... I've been living here for eight months now. Actually, I'll be leaving in less than a month.
You probably want to know how 'awesome' it is to live here. Whether it is like you imagine it to be. It is... different. Not necessarily worse, just different. It is not like living inside a movie. I can't do a lot of the things you are looking forward to: I can't go to a bar or a cafe every night, I can't spend all my time doing crazy stunts with my American friends and I cannot ride on the yellow school bus without being considered a pedophile.
I discovered that a lot of things are better at home: Health care, crime prevention, political structures, costs of living, environmental programmes, consumer protection, social services, to name a few. So basically, most of the stuff you don't think about yet, because it doesn't concern you all that much. It will someday... Oh, there is one thing that you do care about, though: The food. And the beer. You love German food and you don't like beer very much, yet, but you pretend you do, so your friends will still respect you. Don't worry, they're only pretending, too. But keep an eye on Christopher; he's at risk of turning into an alcoholic.
Don't think that I don't enjoy living here. The US has a lot going for it. I've made a ton of friends here, university is very fun and high-quality and the other day I was given a free pizza at Domino's. Right, you don't know Domino's... It's a fast food chain selling pizza (it's not as good as the Italian pizza in Germany, but you're going to be addicted to it anyway).
I've learned so much here: How to host a radio show (do you still want to become a radio show host one day?), how long a body can go without sleep (remember those 'sleep-throughs', which were basically just chilling in bed all weekend listening to audiobooks and shamelessly watching the sun fall through the blinds?), how to small-talk (you don't really comprehend this concept, yet... I wish you would never have to, but I guess that's the irony of time), how to speak Chinese (can you believe I'm actually doing that? Me neither!), where to buy cheap red party cups (party, however, will never be your area of expertise... you'll always prefer a small group of friends to a large crowd of faces), how to poetry slam (you will soon discover 'small-art' and you will love it), how to flash for beads (trust me, those man-breasts you are feeling self-conscious about right now will go away someday), that you meet the weirdest people on the Greyhound (road trips aren't as fun as they are made out to be in most five-minute road trip montages) and most importantly, that things aren't always like they seem to be (even you are not always like you think you are... you're going to learn that the hard way, but don't worry, it'll be for the best).
Excuse me for blabbering on and on. I know you want to rejoin your friends - do you seriously still call yourselves the "Bergheim Rangers"? - in losing most of your online games. There is just one thing I want you to know: You're doing great! Keep doing what you're doing and tell Mom I said it's ok. And don't be too hard on her... sure, she's annoying sometimes, but without her you wouldn't have achieved anything and I wouldn't have either. Say hi to Nathi and Kathi, as well. I really miss them sometimes... Don't worry, they didn't die! They are just... much too far away most of the time. Tell Dad that he's going to lose the bet about you hitting 180 cm before your 18th birthday... Actually, don't tell him. He'll find out! And he's going to be maaaaad. You'll see...
Enjoy your time without a worry, well, without a valid one, at least. You might think of low allowance as a valid worry now, but trust me, it isn't. 28-year-old me would probably tell me the same regarding some of my current worries, but what does that guy know, right?
Talk to you soon, you little prick!
PS: You don't know who Donald Trump is, but he'll be President of the United States in 8 years. Say whaaaaaaaat?