American College Parties

Oh man, American college parties.... Beautiful! They never disappoint and they are always similar, regardless of what kind of party it is.

 

You always have the red cups, people who are already wasted when you arrive, you always have a keg of America's sorry excuse for beer, this feeling that you walked right into a movie, and you always have the smell-mix of alcohol, weed, vomit and - let's face it, this is America - food. Another thing American college parties have in common is the types of people you will meet there and how well they describe the social groups they are a representative of. Let me give you a brief introduction:

The Sorority Girl

"OH MY GOOOOOOOD!" Is the first thing you hear from the well-but barely-dressed privileged white girl with blonde hair and as much brains as money troubles. She will scream these three words through the room like a cockatoo in search of a mate, regardless of what you might have said to trigger this reaction. It might have been "I'm an exchange student and I..." - "OH MY GOOOOOOOD", or "I study communications but actually..." - "OH MY GOOOOOOOOD", or even "Hi, I'm..." - "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD". 

 

 

In class, the Sorority Girl attracts attention by using the word 'like' about twenty times per sentence and complaining about the Michigan-weather being "much worse than it is at home in LA". A Sorority Girl is easily recognizable by her Greek-lettered sweater and her geek-splattered setter, who, most likely, is the next type of party attendee we will have a closer look at...

The Frat Guy

Known for his unparalleled and indispensable ability to provide alcohol to minors, the Frat Guy is an essential part of student life. He will be the one saying things like "Duuuude, beer pong is beer bong with a P, HAHAHA". He usually studies business (because that is something you don't need most of your brain cells for) and he'll be drunk 24/7. 

 

Since he doesn't realize that nobody likes him - exept for himself, of course - he will greet you with a companionate pat on the back and a "Hey man! How's it hanging". If you decide not to answer, he will smile knowingly, give you a wink and disappear for the rest of the night. If you actually answer his question, he will say "Riiiiiight" or "Awesooooome" and disappear for the rest of the night.

The Pseudo-Intellectual

If anybody brings his own alcohol to the party, it is this guy. Not good alcohol, however, but the red wine from the 7/11 that sounds the most French. He has the applaudable ability to talk you through the essentials of Siberian Folk Art while giving you advice about whether real estate is the most promising investment, at the same time. He isn't really sure what to study yet but prefers the European system of higher education anyway. 

Openly showing the professor his discontent with his poor attendance grade, even though he notoriously came in late on his skateboard, is one of this type's specialties. The Pseudo-Intellectual is a subspecies of genus Hipster and is rarely found anywhere besides the depths of the library watching Russian TV sit-coms (because social patterns most visibly reproduce in popular art). If you want to have fun with this type, explain to him why you think Dostoevsky was primarily concerned with the homophobic representation of squirrel sex and he'll be following you around all night.

 

The Actual Intellectual

Probably most and most eligibly annoyed by the Pseudo-Intellectual, the Actual Intellectual is facing more and more doubts about his trustworthiness. At a party the Actual Intellectual is concerned with one of two things: Either, telling the new home owner that this other guy at yesterday's party wasn't right about real estate being the most promising investment just to have a drink shoved in his face alongside the sassy comment "One day it is, the other it's not... You intellectuals are not what you used to be".

 

 

More usually the Actual Intellectual is sitting in the corner, drinking bad (but free) beer, wondering why he attended the party in the first place, while looking at the crowd dancing to music they don't like, having conversations they don't care about with people they don't want to get to know. A cockatooesque scream will pull him out of his apathy-like physical and emotional state at some point, after which he will head home asap, so you might not meet this type if you arrive late.

The Nerd

The Nerd has undergone a metamorphosis of galactic dimensions in the past couple of decades. From being the least respected social group on most campuses before the digital revolution, they slowly but surely became more and more popular. Many Hipsters jumped on the train and exploited the concept of The Nerd for their causes (Nerd Glasses, etc.) but that is not the kind of Nerd we are talking about here.

 

Nerds wear clothing on the brink of becoming cleaning rags, they are socially awkward and usually smell like Doritos and sweat. They are probably the most likeable social group on campus... Oh yeah, and they are brilliant!

The Stoner

The Stoner is the guy with the red eyes you can smell from the moment you enter the party. Also, he doesn't talk too much. Just the occasional "You wanna go smoke?".

College party typology is fun and, for the most part, it is rather accurate. I enjoy the diversity at almost every party here but sometimes I could do without of few of the above. 

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